10 Steps to Twilight Rehab in The Intelligencer" newspaper article

STEP 1: GETTING HOOKED

"all of us know that individual who read 'Twilight' and loved it, and REFUSES to shut up about it. Sadly, I was one of those people, and I destroyed people's lives by telling them to read it-because it was 'amazing'. Just like that friend who oofers you a cigarette when you've never tried one. So when your one friend or aquaintance comes up to you telling you to read 'twilight,' don't. You'll regret it if you do, because that is where obsession starts."

STEP 2: ADDICTION

" If you didn't listen to my instructions from the first step, i'm sorry to infrom you that you are most likely an obsessed Twi-Hard right now, and you've done the equivalent of selling your soul to the devil. All you want to do is read the book. Just read. READ. READ. And read some more."

STEP 3: ADDICTION ENTERS EVERYDAY LIFE

" Around now, you are going to begin making connections in your everyday life to "Twilight." Such as that kid, James, who sits next to you i a class, who you begin hating for no reason. Gingers suddenly become more attractive than ever, and you begin contemplating changing your name to Bella. Also, by now you've made countless attempts to pur sparkles on your boyfriend, or throw in in a vat of ice, or tell him to stop tanning. A few times you may have succeeded; this is normal at this stage."

STEP 4: YOU'RE DELUSIONAL

"You have a shrine. You have plushies. You begin thinking they are real. Here is a secret: Your parents are filling out paper work for your admission into an insane asylum."

STEP 5: THE INTERVENTION

" You probably will be in the middle of sticking pins into your Bella voodoo doll, when a group of your friends bursts into your "Edward" shrine room and screams: 'You need to stop this' or 'Your addiction is out of contol.' And the will pull you from your shrine, as you grab onto your Edward plushy, and they will tell you 'They aren't real.' But you don't believe them, and you beg Edward to save you. Then they will sit you down, tell you that they care and that this needs to stop. You don't listen to them at first, saying you can stop anytime. But slowly, oh-so-slowl, as your friends begin leaving you, you realize it is time to stop."

STEP 6: THE PURGE

" One of your close friends should be involved inthis step. If one of your friends is an ex Twi-Hard, she can be great help. It starts with most likely throwing out your "Twilight" stuff, setting it aflame or switching it to a secure storage location somewhere in the snow covered forests of Russia. This includes your posters, books, plush dolls, buttons, and those sparkles you threw on an unsuspecting, good-looking man in public."

STEP 7: TRINING YOURSLEF NOT O THINK OR TALK ABOUT IT

" You know as you throw away your "Twlight" stuff that you are quitting this cold turkey. You can't help thinking about it, so it would be best to wear a rubber band around your wrist, and everytime you hae a thought about it, you sanp it on your wrist. If you begin to bleed switch wrists. Have a friend who, if you bring up "Twilight" or relate something back to it, will willingly spray you with a bottle of water."

STEP 8: FINDING YOUR ANTI-DRUG

" In this step, I suggest you should find a better book ( anything is better than "Twilight".) You could read "Mistborn," or "The Percy Jackson" series, or anything else. If you are feeling daring, or like you are ready to face your former adiction head-on, read a REAL vampire. Not "House of Night" or anything like that. "Dracula." Real vampires. One's who sucked blood or killed people for fun. The bad type-aka the awesome type."

STEP 9: OUT OF RECOVERY

" After making your way through your obsession, you find yourself in a better place, and that you you can function normally. Congratulations. You're free...for now."

STEP 10: KICKING "TWILIGHT" IN THE FACE

" You could go ahead and look up some "Twilight" parodies such as "Nightlight" or "Vampires Suck." Also, now that you are out of recovery, you are allowed to read the books again. Actually, I suggest you do. Face your worst nightmares. Reead it. When you do, you may be like me, and just sit back and say: " What the hell was i thinking?" And if you are awesome, like a friend of mine is, you should go throught the book with a red pen, pointing out all the grmmatical errors, things that don't make sense, moments where Bella wa a Mary Sue, and things that should be romantic but are truly creepy and laughable."

 

via twifans and todotwilightsaga